Look at this fucking hipster…

Douche.

Pure Luck.

For those of you that still aren’t convinced of my knack for surviving close calls, here is one more chapter in the saga that is my life with Deporter.

This is a pic of me watching her and el D leaving for some dinner a few miles down the road from the beach condo.  What they didn’t immediately realize (and what you can’t see from this pic) was that I had managed to tie myself up in the blind cords. Here’s a closer look:

Fortunately for me, Deporter suspected something was up and sent the Dude back up to investigate. Here’s his account:

Yeah, man. That dumbass had his entire torso through the loop in the cord. It was funny and quite sad at the same time.  Good thing we caught it.  I swear, it’s like living with a Martin Short character. What would that little shit do without us?

I often wonder that myself, asshole.

“Vacation.”

I honestly don't know what the photographer cares about more in this pic.

Whatever that is…has apparently begun, according to my handlers.

Agoraphobia or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Love the Basement.

Vacation: va⋅ca⋅tion [vey-key-shuhn] -noun. Leisure time devoted to rest or pleasure.

Ah yes.

Rest. And pleasure. Two things that I was promised when I agreed to tag along for a nice Memorial Day weekend in Hagerstown, MD. Why Hagerstown, you ask? Well, el D’s coworker, Fred, offered up a 150-year old house for he and Deporter to stay in and get away from it all. Not exactly the beach…but hey, it’s something. So into the Zipcar I jump.

A couple hours later, we arrive at our destination.

Things I learned today.

1. If I want to chew gum, I should avoid the sugar-free variety.
2. If sugar-free is the only option, then I should avoid brands that contain Xylitol.
3. If I manage to find a tasty brand that is Xylitol-free, it’s probably a good idea to not eat the wrapper as well. Because if I can’t prove that my gum choice was a wise one, el D will drag my ass to the vet. And they will insist that I vomit…by any means necessary.
4. And finally, it doesn’t matter what brand I roll with…10 pieces of gum all eaten at once still in their foil wrappers causes a bit of indigestion. I see a bloody “ah-noose” in my future.

You live and you learn.

Crime pays.

It pays very well, in fact.

Soirs français. Matins difficiles.

What, you’ve never woken up next to a French fatty before?
Don’t judge me.

—

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Yeah, so Appy State talks a big game. But as everyone saw on Saturday, they were on the losing end of a 41-13 routing.

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t well deserving of a post-game nap.

But don’t worry. I’m already up and patiently awaiting Troy. Sure, our quarterback situation isn’t really settled yet. But our defense and running game will be more than enough to seriously ruin the Trojans’ weekend.

I think I already see them coming down the road.

Geaux Tigers.

The new kid in town.

What’s up Ramblers? Just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Lucky and I’ll be crashing at Deporter’s place from now on. I’ve been a longtime fan of both Timber and Jessica’s work over the past several months. They certainly don’t bring the weak shit (pun quite intended).

While I’d love nothing more than to show my defecating-on-carpet skills and then compare notes with some of you, the fact is this basement apartment isn’t that roomy. I’m left here for hours a day and I just don’t want to smell it. But I have other talents. Like getting at bags of treats presumably out of reach. Above is a sample of some of my more abstract work with Purina Beggin’ Strips. I’m proud of it. I would’ve preferred the bag to be more than half-full, but hey…beggers can’t be choosers. Ha! I kill me!

See you bitches at the beach.