Here’s your backlog of Florida News.

Hey Ramblers,

Sorry I’ve been slacking on the Florida News. I assure you it hasn’t been due to a lack of quality items dribbling from that shithole of a state, like so much blood-laced urine from the tip of a meth-head’s shriveled up old dick. Oh, there’s been plenty. I’ve just been busy.

The past couple of months have seen some extraordinary activity down in the American crotchal region. Here’s but a sampling:

Man Shaves Girlfriend’s Head While She Sleeps
Well, when else is he going to do it, when she’s awake and affixed to that spray paint can?

Dad Referrees Son’s Street Fight, Attacks Kid After Son Loses
Just like Dr. Spock teaches us.

GOP Member Seeks Repeal of Florida Law Against Cohabitation
“Loophole!”

Human-Animal Sex No Longer Legal in Florida
“Shit.”

Florida GOP Rep. Wants Law Allowing Drunks To Throw Around Dwarfs
“Consolation!”

Florida Youth-Football Fight Involved a Cheerleader, Her Mom, Her Coach and Two Other Teens
It takes a village, people. Also, see Dr. Spock.

Man Arrested While Siphoning 250 Gallons From Gas Station
Siphoning what, exactly? That’s the question.

There’s a Vampire at a Hooters in Florida
Hahaha kidding. This isn’t news.

Shitfaced Florida Man Calls 911 After Being Denied Walk-Up Service at Taco Bell Drive-Thru
Okay, actually…this guy manages to incorporate “logic” in his argument. He should run for something.

Florida Comcast Installer Exposes and Plays With Himself in Front of Customer
It’s the personal touch.

Rick Scott Tells Obama Teleprompter Joke He Read Off Teleprompter
Something tells me the irony was lost on Rick.

Muslim Republican Braves Lair of Screaming Florida Teabaggers
“Is there any other kind?” – Col. Jessup

Florida Robber Tries to Hold Up Clerk With Toy Gun, Foiled When Coworker Pretends To Be Cop
Again, the irony likely went undetected.

Florida Launches First Pie In Nat’l Slapfight Over GOP Primary Calendar
There’s no way this doesn’t end in roman calendar hilarity.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott: “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Anthropologists.”
Agreed. That would be like ET examining his own asshole for “abnormalities”.

Florida Serial Pooper Targets Schools
Honest mistake. With video!

and finally…

Florida GOP Rep: Let’s Bring Back Those Cool Firing Squad Executions
“You know, for when we’re done with the dwarfs. They’re only good for 2 or 3 tosses.”

Tebow’s legacy: A leadership vacuum.

It seems as if the offensive strategy down in Gainesville has shifted somewhat.

In a string of events occurring over the past four months, the professors’ cars, which were parked in the Bartram-Carr Hall parking lot, were vandalized.

First, religious letters were left on the cars, and then pro-evolution bumper stickers and Darwin-fish emblems were scraped and torn from the vehicles. Most recently, nails were put into the tires.

Welcome to UF, folks. There’s parking available. So bring your cars. But leave that book learnin’ at the house.

[The Independent Florida Alligator via Wonkette]

I like chicken, I like liver…

I like crystal meth…oh Florida, won’t you deliver?

Yes. You will. You always do.

Oh, and this…

Oklahoma Store Clerk Sammay Blackwell Mistaken For Casey Anthony Attacked With Minivan

So this happened…

Put a ‘rang on it, Florida.

A Florida cop and a school bus monitor were arrested Thursday in connection with a child prostitution ring.

 

Dog Days of Summer

My parents just got a new dog. I just got offered a dogsitting gig in the Castro. We’re hitting a happy hour this afternoon with free hot dogs. And we’re seeing Dr. Dog tonight at the Independent.

Oh, and a Florida man was caught by his grandson trying have sex with, wait for it…a dog.

Happy Summer Solstice, Ramblers.

[HuffPo]

White Trash Flambé

Blazing dessert injures 4 at Florida restaurant.

h/t Leph.

[msnbc]

Playing the odds.

I hate to blow our wad into the Gulf right out of the gate, but this is just too good. This week, The Huffington Post/AOL/Time-Warner/Monsanto web universe posted this slideshow highlighting some of the country’s dumbest criminals.

There are 70 total.

28 are proud Floridians.

That’s 40%, folks.

Favorite mugshot? Dawn:

Favorite quote? Winner #46: “Just the pills in my vagina.”

We’re all just pills in this great big vagina today, people.

Florida!

New Ramble Feature: Florida News

Hey Ramblers.

I know it’s been awhile. Things have slowed down around here, again. I take full responsibility for that. Chalk it up to working for a non-profit in San Francisco. I just have so much disposable income these days, it’s hard to find the time to spend it all, much less blog.

But lately, I’ve fallen back to the same behavior that beget the Ramble in the first place. And I’ve been called out on it. So, I’m (somewhat) determined to dedicate more time here. As I begin remove the cobwebs, please consider chipping in.

In the meantime, what better way to kick things off than a new feature? There’s just so much good stuff coming out of the wasteland that is the 27th state and the home of my roommate here out west. It should be good for at least 10-12 posts a week.

I hope all of you will contribute to this series. I only ask that when you do, you use the above picture with your post, as I think it makes a great badge. Also be sure to tag it “florida news”.

Come back, baby. I’ve changed.