It’s ok to laugh, they SUCK

Thank you Look at this Fucking Hipster… thank you!

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There goes the neighborhood.

Hey Leph, feel lucky you guys left the Chateau when you did. I wonder now, will it be harder or easier to rent the place?

Ugh…fuck this. I’m moving back to Mt. Pleasant.

[DCist]

Gym patron does a couple of pull-ups.

WASHINGTON – In what some are characterizing as a brief and disappointing show of upper-body strength, a local Washington man did a couple of pull-ups today before tiring and moving on to another exercise.

Josh Breyer had just wrapped up his first trip to the water fountain and was walking towards the free-weights area when he came upon the dual-station cable machine. Witnesses say it was then that he abruptly stopped, dropped his towel and reached up to grab the pull-up bar mounted atop the multi-use apparatus.

Offensive driving techniques.

Me – 30-something male walking down the west side of 18th street last night around 8:00 in the pouring rain.

You – 30-something douchebag driving a Mercedes SUV.

As I was crossing over Florida Ave. on the walk signal, I really thought you were going to stop as you approached the intersection from my right in the turn lane. But you just kept coming, eventually into the crosswalk and nearly hitting me. I threw my one available arm up in the air and looked up at you, only to find that you seemed just as angry as I was.

I figured that after a couple of seconds, you’d realize what you did wrong so I kept going, deciding to let bygones by bygones. Only, you didn’t let it stop there. You actually rolled down your passenger window and began to yell at me. I spun around and came back to see what you could possibly be saying.

At first I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “WEAR SOMETHING MORE REFLECTIVE, ASSHOLE. I CANT EVEN SEE YOU!!!”

Really??? Are you kidding? You mean, something more reflective than my gargantuan messenger bag with the huge reflective tabs hanging off it? You know…the one that I was wearing on the side facing you? The one your headlights nearly smacked as you attempted to coast through the red light? That kind of reflective?

What exactly are your standards for pedestrians? Bright orange jackets? Fireman’s helmets with flashing lights? Neon signs?

Here’s a better idea. How ’bout when you approach a red light, where the walk signal is clearly lit for the people crossing in your path, that you actually, you know, fucking STOP and make sure nobody is coming. Yeah, I think that’s more reliable than counting on everyone walking down the street to be firing air-to-air missile flares out their asses.

And when you’re called out on your mistake (which by itself is easily forgivable…happens to the best of us), don’t try to prove that you were right and the person you almost hit with your car was wrong. Particularly by rolling down your passenger window in the rain to yell at them. That’s the pinnacle of douchebaggery.

Originally posted by yours truly this morning on Craigslist’s Rant & Raves section.

My apologies.

Last night I proclaimed that pop-punk is the worst genre of music that has ever existed. I was wrong. This is…

That’s right, folks. White Crunk, courtesy of brokeNCYDE. Emphasis on ‘broke’. These winners make All Time Low look like Gilbert and Sullivan. That is, if the HMS Pinafore was a merchant vessel full of fine leather douchebags.

[DCiever]

Please make it stop.

I really don’t care how many albums they’ve sold or what awards they’ve won, I’ve never really gotten the whole Green Day thing. I’ve never liked a single one of their songs. Ever. No, not even When I Come Around. And while I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there that look fondly upon Green Day purely for the nostalgia they invoke of high school in the early-90s, my position is this:

Regardless of whatever talent they may or may not have, the most significant contribution Green Day has made to the world is spawning the absolute worst music genre that has ever existed on God’s green earth. And for that, there can be no forgiveness.

Call it pop-punk, punk-pop, bubblegum punk, or Emo. It’s pure unadulterated evil. And while even I can concede that GD doesn’t exactly fit into this realm (I suppose by today’s standards they are somewhat “punk”), they are clearly responsible for it’s existence. I’ve been hearing this crap in the background for the past few years but never really paid much attention to it. Then eventually, I started to wonder to myself, “Who is this incredibly shitty band I keep hearing? The one with the power chords, no melody, and a vocalist who tries as hard as he can to sound like a whiny girl? They must have released 20 singles so far. And they all make me want to gouge my ears out with a tuning fork.”

Um…Robert Wagner?

Now if we could only figure out who he works for…

[TPM]

One of my least favorite activities is air travel. While I may attract respect on the ground from both canine and human alike, in the sky it’s a different matter. When I fly, I don’t get the enjoy the luxuries that all of you do. I’m treated like cargo. Shoved in a cramped box and stowed down below with the luggage. Which is why I wasn’t looking forward to the move out to the west coast some months ago. Apparently, I had become too much of a burden in DC. Mylephnt drove me out to Dulles one morning to ship me off to E.

Now normally, I’d have to sit down in the plane’s bowels with nothing to amuse myself than spitting my water at the great dane next to me or just licking myself. As luck would have it, though, this time someone left me a copy of the SkyMall catalogue. Hey, it’s something.

As you may remember, some time ago, the Dude recapped a trip he had taken out west. He promised all of you a feature on the worthless shit being peddled out of SkyMall. He’s clearly not getting it done. So allow me to step in and highlight some of the more interesting products. After the jump, things that make me glad I don’t have any money.

And yes, I’m aware it’s been several months since my trip. You try typing with two paws, asshole.

Why I love this site…

Brilliant.

Yeah, they’re shitty lawyers…but at least they’re unethical.

Just got through watching “The Corporation“, a 2003 documentary that examines the birth of…well…the corporation. Sorry, that was unavoidable. There aren’t any good synonyms for ‘corporation’. Anyway, there’s not much presented, other than anecdotal pieces, that you didn’t already know. Corporations started out as groups of people with charters from local governments to carry out very specific tasks. Today, well…you know the rest.

Some of the stories are pretty disconcerting. Alot of them seem to revolve around Monsanto. Jesus, can these guys net $5 without fucking something up? I tell ya…there’s really nothing quite like a bloody, pus-covered, oversized utter being dragged through feces-laden mud, to get me thirsty for a big glass of milk. All the big players get mentioned: Enron, GE, Shell, IBM, Hannah Montana, et al. Queue a few minutes of Michael Moore, Howard Zinn, and Noam Chomsky and boom…you got yourself a film.

But what I’m betting you haven’t seen before is this wiggler. This was hands down, the most awkward scene in the movie. It’s a VP of Pfizer trying to convince the filmmakers that his company is actually doing some good in the community. All he really manages to do is show how out of touch he is with everyday life. But not only are the new-fangled devices he’s taking credit for neither ‘new’ nor ‘fangled’ but they’re clearly already being ignored. Watch as he tries to demonstrate the intercom system (which you just know is not going to work). “Ahhh…hello hello? Tom Kline speaking.” As if the rent-a-cop (who’s clearly not listening on the other end) gives baker’s fuck who it is. Silence.

Now I know where Christopher Guest gets the inspiration for his characters. More after the jump.

HCwDB’s Honorary Douchebag of the Month…

This guy.

Good stuff.

Courtesy of one of the best blogs around.

Edit: DB1 has now posted a brilliant deconstruction of John Mayer and exposed him for what he really is. It’s Pulitzer-worthy.

Are you fan enough?

Perhaps not. But somebody in my building is. I came home to see these two large boxes leaning up against the wall in the lobby of my building.

As I was grabbing my mail, I glanced down at the label, just to make sure my mother hadn’t sent me an early Festivus gift. Nope. Just some guy.

Of course I had to look at the return address, just out of curiosity. It’s from Fathead.

Sports douche.