[DCist]

http://consumerist.com/2011/10/drunkenness-will-not-turn-a-taco-into-your-id.html

Nice.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/17/jonathan-mcgowan-roadkill_n_1016108.html

Damn.

Hey Ramblers,

Sorry I’ve been slacking on the Florida News. I assure you it hasn’t been due to a lack of quality items dribbling from that shithole of a state, like so much blood-laced urine from the tip of a meth-head’s shriveled up old dick. Oh, there’s been plenty. I’ve just been busy.

The past couple of months have seen some extraordinary activity down in the American crotchal region. Here’s but a sampling:

Man Shaves Girlfriend’s Head While She Sleeps
Well, when else is he going to do it, when she’s awake and affixed to that spray paint can?

Dad Referrees Son’s Street Fight, Attacks Kid After Son Loses
Just like Dr. Spock teaches us.

GOP Member Seeks Repeal of Florida Law Against Cohabitation
“Loophole!”

Human-Animal Sex No Longer Legal in Florida
“Shit.”

Florida GOP Rep. Wants Law Allowing Drunks To Throw Around Dwarfs
“Consolation!”

Florida Youth-Football Fight Involved a Cheerleader, Her Mom, Her Coach and Two Other Teens
It takes a village, people. Also, see Dr. Spock.

Man Arrested While Siphoning 250 Gallons From Gas Station
Siphoning what, exactly? That’s the question.

There’s a Vampire at a Hooters in Florida
Hahaha kidding. This isn’t news.

Shitfaced Florida Man Calls 911 After Being Denied Walk-Up Service at Taco Bell Drive-Thru
Okay, actually…this guy manages to incorporate “logic” in his argument. He should run for something.

Florida Comcast Installer Exposes and Plays With Himself in Front of Customer
It’s the personal touch.

Rick Scott Tells Obama Teleprompter Joke He Read Off Teleprompter
Something tells me the irony was lost on Rick.

Muslim Republican Braves Lair of Screaming Florida Teabaggers
“Is there any other kind?” – Col. Jessup

Florida Robber Tries to Hold Up Clerk With Toy Gun, Foiled When Coworker Pretends To Be Cop
Again, the irony likely went undetected.

Florida Launches First Pie In Nat’l Slapfight Over GOP Primary Calendar
There’s no way this doesn’t end in roman calendar hilarity.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott: “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Anthropologists.”
Agreed. That would be like ET examining his own asshole for “abnormalities”.

Florida Serial Pooper Targets Schools
Honest mistake. With video!

and finally…

Florida GOP Rep: Let’s Bring Back Those Cool Firing Squad Executions
“You know, for when we’re done with the dwarfs. They’re only good for 2 or 3 tosses.”

It’s just the way the free market works, people. Don’t fight it.

Just enjoy.

[tosh.0]

Clyde, my boy…here’s to many healthy years sitting on a porch in Boise with no shoes…licking yourself and singing the blues. Maybe one day your mom will teach you the fiddle parts.

Huzzah!

PREVIOUSLY: Puppy!