Not the result I was looking for.

Clearly, my earlier coverage of this scourge only made it stronger.

[Consumerist]

Double standards.

And by double, I mean deuce.

You know, I’d be okay with all the “Keep your dog off the grass” signs if behavior like the above didn’t go completely fucking ignored. Check that shit out. Literally. NOBODY IS EVEN LOOKING AT HIM.

And they call us animals. Maybe we should be following you around with baggies.

[Google Street View via DCist]

Fat Libs.

Click the button to begin your penance.

When animals are attacked.

Jeebus, boy. Always watch your six! You’re making us look bad.

Excellent commentary by the way:

[DCist]

Weak.

Cum’on bro. Can’t you see she’s using an old Jedi mind trick? Here’s hoping you don’t ever get assigned to a sentry post at Mos Isley.

EDIT: Looks like E! has disabled embedding of this video. Assholes. Just click here.

PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah, let’s do that.  Let’s do exactly that.

Cat hits like a bitch.

One of my least favorite activities is air travel. While I may attract respect on the ground from both canine and human alike, in the sky it’s a different matter. When I fly, I don’t get the enjoy the luxuries that all of you do. I’m treated like cargo. Shoved in a cramped box and stowed down below with the luggage. Which is why I wasn’t looking forward to the move out to the west coast some months ago. Apparently, I had become too much of a burden in DC. Mylephnt drove me out to Dulles one morning to ship me off to E.

Now normally, I’d have to sit down in the plane’s bowels with nothing to amuse myself than spitting my water at the great dane next to me or just licking myself. As luck would have it, though, this time someone left me a copy of the SkyMall catalogue. Hey, it’s something.

As you may remember, some time ago, the Dude recapped a trip he had taken out west. He promised all of you a feature on the worthless shit being peddled out of SkyMall. He’s clearly not getting it done. So allow me to step in and highlight some of the more interesting products. After the jump, things that make me glad I don’t have any money.

And yes, I’m aware it’s been several months since my trip. You try typing with two paws, asshole.

Red lipstick.

I feel funny down there.

Bring it, Stabby. I dare you.

It seems somebody’s been having a little fun in the bathroom at our favorite watering hole. It happened like this, see…

The Dude was standing there relieving himself one night and started to feel a little nostalgic about the days when we were all together. Those were the days, alright. Good times. Sensing a chance to pay homage to yours truly, his dudeness added a ‘lil sum-sum right above the toilet. It simply read, “I miss ‘Ol Timber”, a not-so-vague reference to another Raven regular, ‘Ol Stabby. Short, but sweet. But if there’s one thing Raven clientele has no respect for, it’s others’ musings. After the jump, some shit you simply have to see to believe…

Respect.

Let me be clear. I’ve only met Jessica once. Back in ’06, Mylephnt and E brought me over to the Dude’s old place, where she was living upstairs with the his landlord. Yeah, we hung out for a few seconds. I sniffed her junk, she gave mine a bit of the “How’s your father”. But I didn’t really get to know her. She seemed kinda old and stuck up if you ask me. Not my type. I like ‘em young.

But when it comes to messing with his Dudeness only hours into his dogsitting mission…I gotta say…I dig the technique. We really should compare notes sometime.

Kudos. And kudos again.

This just in…

I might soil the rug from time to time, but I’m like 50 times smarter than all you crackers. Read about it.

Ohhhh….it all makes sense now.

Was just checking out Levon’s website for some updates on the real Ramble. It looks like he’s made some significant updates to the FAQ section. And suddenly, I’m starting to realize what the Dude was losing his shit about that fateful night. See for yourself…

Dude, my apologies. You had every reason to be upset.

It’s true. All good things must come to an end. As long as Mr. Phenomenal has a say.

BRUCE!!!

I have a delicate system, okay???

Look. I never said I was perfect. Yeah, I’m a pretty cool dog, I suppose. I’ve tagged along with Mylephnt to a few Panic shows, some mountain climbing, a few camping trips in the pacific northwest. I’ve even been to the Ramble. No, not this lame ass website all you lilly-white yuppies frequent. I’m talking about the real Ramble. I’m talking Levon. And no, I didn’t actually make it into the show, thank you very much. I sat my hairy ass out in the minivan for three hours while everyone else was inside getting drunk on bourbon ‘n cokes and listening to some good music. But did I complain? No. I took it like a man. I even kept el Duderino company when he came out to take a break from the show. Not really sure what that was about. Something about the piano player getting douched with a cup of Evan Williams. Doesn’t matter. Anyway…